He had no concept of direction whatsoever. No wonder why he was so lost. His past and his future were all jumbled up in some sort of metaphorical ball of yarn he couldn’t get away from. His friends were constantly talking about ‘saving’ him from that situation, and he could not stand it any more.
"Look, leave me alone. Either you own yourself, that is, you know yourself well enough to not care about where you want to be, or you know very well where you want to go and you plan to get to know yourself along the way - he said. I am not at either of those places and the more you try to help me, the more threads I will have to untangle to release myself. So, please, stop trying so hard to be that uncalled-for hero, because, as great as being so makes you feel, you are just fucking me up even more"
I looked at his eyes, not having understood a thing he had just said. The harder I tried to make any sense of it, the worse I felt about myself. I guess I’ll just stop thinking about it.
Today, one of my students has told me he could not be bothered to do any work, as his aunt had passed away recently and he ‘did not feel it’
"That is a terrible thing and I am sorry for your loss. Unfortunately that does not serve as an excuse for you not to do your work", I answered. Rather shocked, he tried to argue how valid his excuse was, and how terrible it was of me not to comply with his demand straight away, while I turned back and walked away.
Listen, - I wanted to say - you are meant to take your feelings for her, what she meant for your you, and keep them somewhere safe inside of you. Some place where you can go back to and gather strength for what lies ahead. Using her passing away as a pretext not to do what you are meant to is the greatest insult to her memory and what she meant for you that you could say.
Only you what she meant for you. Only you know how much it hurts, how alone you feel and how hard it is to live in a world without her. But the choice is yours: Do you want to dwell in those feelings, or do you want to take them with you and become the kind of man she would have been proud of?
I wish I had found these words when I really needed them, and not today.